2021: Managing with an Open Heart
by Cathy Newton
Yes, it’s 2021. But let’s go way back…to 1986. Perhaps you’ve heard the 1986 classic rock song by Bon Jovi that started with an acapella chorus: Shot through the heart and you’re to blame. You give love a bad name. It was Bon Jovi’s first #1 hit! And it hit the mark because everyone had felt it!
Thirty-some years later, the events of 2020 have caused us to feel “shot through the heart” all over again…and looking for someone to blame! The pandemic, new covid protocols, politics, economic shutdowns, finger-pointing and accusations are the “arrows of pain” that have closed our hearts shut! Your role as a medical office manager in 2021 involves coping with the lingering remnants of those 2020 painful events and interacting with people with an open heart.
Oh, the heart! It can be stolen, melt, skip a beat, or be broken in two. You can take it to heart, lose heart, or pour out your heart. Anytime you feel upset, threatened or stressed in any way by a person or situation—i.e. you feel frustrated, angered, criticized, bullied, harassed, intimidated, caught off guard—you feel that threat in your heart center. It’s a visceral feeling like being “shot through the heart.”
Here is what happens. An “arrow of pain” sets off your internal alarm system, closes your heart, and puts your brain in default setting…which is your Ego.
The Ego has two goals:
1. Self-validation: It’s all about me. It’s me looking at myself/my image/my performance, being worried about making myself look unworthy or stupid, and disregarding my value by attacking myself.
2. Self-protection: It’s me looking at perceived threats and attacks against me, placing blame, and protecting myself/my position by fighting back.
The chart below clarifies the feelings or states of being you experience when you are “shot through the heart.”
Attack! The present pop culture has glorified fighting. Television, movies, cartoons, video gaming, the media flaunt, promote, even reward fighting in all forms. It seems like people are always fighting about something—politics, religion, ideology, change. Or fighting for something—a relationship, job, promotion, sobriety, weight loss. Our fists are always up!
We are inundated with practiced patterns of control and pain. We have witnessed and absorbed manipulation techniques, defense strategies, and self-loathing skills. We have learned to claim guilt/weakness and attack ourselves (self-validation). And we have learned to judge/blame and attack others (self-protection).
You know this is true! It’s when you have thoughts like Why did I say that?, That was stupid of me, or I’m such a loser and you beat yourself up. Or, you have thoughts like Who’s to blame for this?, Why are you pushing my buttons again?, or You crazy driver, get in your own lane! and you lash out at others.
BUT WAIT! This is not the real you! This is not your best and highest self. This is not managing with an open heart. So, what exactly does being your best and highest self as a manager mean? (Or being your best as a co-worker, spouse/partner, parent, caregiver, neighbor, friend?)
The chart below clarifies the feelings or states of being you experience when you are interacting with people and circumstances from an open heart.
Love! This is the real you. You are born with it, just like you are born with arms and legs. It is standard issue. Love is built into the fabric of your being…not love as in a relationship but love as a way of life with everything. It will always be you. This is your true worth…not your education, work ethic, status, or wealth.
When you open your heart and respond from love, you are being kind, listening, asking questions, being assertive, taking responsibility, being your best and highest self. Isn’t this where you want to be?
The problem is that sometimes we forget who we are. We fall asleep, become unconscious, and what happens? Default setting…back to ego and a closed heart. Back to holding a grievance.
We seem to live in a grievance society where everyone is offended by something. A grievance is indignation or resentment stemming from the feeling of having been wronged by someone or having done wrong ourselves.
Take a minute and consider the grievances you might be holding now…against yourself? …co-workers? …family members? …someone who hurt you many years ago? …people you don’t even personally know?
At any given moment, in any situation, with any person, you choose to handle it from a closed heart or an open heart. You choose to be hostage to ego or host to love. Yes, this is a choice you make. It’s called free will. This is a powerful, in your face, unequivocal, no wiggle room fact. You choose!
In my personal experience (you might feel this way too), when I am in an extremely stressful situation, in the heat of the moment, when crazy people are pushing my buttons…being my best and highest self is NOT my first response! There are times when my ego gets very loud and defensive. I want to return the fire, turn up the heat, fight back. I must force myself to make the shift to my best self. I must actively choose it. And the choice is especially hard when I think that person does not deserve the mental muscle and emotional fortitude it takes me to not strike back.
But I have learned to ask myself:
Which feels better…the closed-heart-Ego states of being or the open-heart-Love states of being?
Which is better for my health, my immune system, my relationships, my productivity?
Which is better for a positive work culture or a peaceful home life?
Do I want to be right, or do the right thing?
Is it more important to get my way or create harmony?
Do I want to hold this grievance or release it?
Do I want to react from my weakness (Ego) or respond from my strength (Love)?
This type of thinking (which I practice daily!) provides the kick-in-the-seat-of-the-pants inspiration for me to choose Love not Ego. I have the personal power to choose my emotional state regardless of conditions, regardless of what happens in world. I know that I can live in a world that has some chaos going on and be my best self. Nasty people or negative circumstances do not control my state of being, I control it!
How about you? How do you want to respond to the people and circumstances in your life? Can you use this type of self-questioning (in the paragraph above) to help you mentally shift from a closed heart state to an open heart state of being? Do you understand that it is your choice? Can you see how important it is to manage with an open heart? And can you think of a better way to purge the “shot through the heart” grievances of 2020 and start fresh in 2021?
Cathy Newton
Cathy is an experienced keynote speaker who engages audiences with strategies for positive action; helps people stretch further by handling the challenges of teamwork, change, work/life balance, or wellness with confidence; former teacher, athletic coach, wellness/employee assistance coordinator; author of four books.